40 days

41 days ago I thought everything in my life was fine. And then… God stepped in.

The past year and a half of my life has been busy. I graduated. Decided to stay in SWFL. Interned for a year. Went to Africa for two weeks. Got a grown up job. Traveled to Mexico. Tried out for a TV show. Had my first ‘serious’ relationship. Helped lead a college ministry. Made new friends. Watched tragedy surround me.

And as each new thing entered my heart, God was edged out. I didn’t notice it happening because each time it was just a small nudge. Harmless. I was doing ministry. I was surrounded by Godly people. I met with girls and did my best to pull them along. I cultivated Godly relationships. And I even read my bible, most of the time. I was ‘walking the walk.’

But in September uneasiness settled in. Something was missing. I remember praying and telling God that I missed ‘us’. At some point in the year I lost that intimacy. It wasn’t that I was living a life so rampant with sin that I had turned my back on God.

And so for a couple of months I tried and tried to make it better- to get back to the kind of relationship with God I had before. I did everything I knew to do. I made plans for reading my bible when I woke up every morning. I tried books and reading plans to help me. I talked to a few people about it and asked for accountability but it was still a struggle. I desperately wanted to fix it but I couldn’t.

Enters God.

I believe God looked down at the pit I had dug for myself- as I slowly, but surely, edged him out of my heart. I had filled my life with so much and each thing lead me deeper into the pit. None of it seemed bad because it was wrapped up in the Christian wrapping paper: bible studies, Godly friends, discipleship. It all seemed right. And don’t get me wrong, those things are good things- but never when they take God off the throne of your heart. So 40 days ago God, in all his mercy, dropped some serious dynamite into my pit and blew me right out.

At first, I couldn’t catch my breath. Literally, there were moments so full of tears that I thought I might suffocate. I was at a point that I had nothing to cling to but Jesus, Himself. And so I did.

The past 40 days have changed my life. Not because of the actual dynamite but because of how God has rescued me from the life I had made. I know God for WHO He is today instead of WHAT He’s giving or taking away from me. I remember that these are the moments that God steps in to romance and heal me. This is the first time in my life that I know, without any doubt, that God is good. That He is the one I can trust. In that there is peace. It’s the kind of peace that you can’t understand and that sounds cliché when other people talk about it. I laugh at myself because I know that what I’m saying might sound elementary to most, but it’s monumental for me.

I’m still walking through the remains of the dynamite. But I’m doing it believing God for the best. I’m not afraid of what lies ahead. I know what God has promised me. At times I’m surrounded by lies and fears that try to knock me off the path God has for me. But every day God has been faithful to speak to me through His word and silly things like songs, books, and friends.

I wouldn’t trade a moment of the past 40 days. I wouldn’t. Because knowing Christ, like Paul says, is worth it.

I committed that for 2009 I wouldn’t miss a day in The Word, that I would be diligent to listen to what God is saying to me, and that most importantly- I would obey. Today was day 40 of my commitment… I’m overwhelmed with what He’s taught me so far and I’m looking forward to the next 365 days.